What I Learned About Love

It’s not easy to be single especially when everybody is having sex. SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX! It is so hard in the 2000’s to be a Catholic and expected not to have sex. I am going to come right out and say it; I am not a virgin. Persecute me all you want but this was during a time between when my family took me out of Catholic school and when I willingly got confirmed. I lost it in my early 20’s, which is a lot later than a lot of my friends so, “Go me!” Also, I was in art school at the time. A few years back, I went on a personal journey of all the exes to see what went wrong before reentering the faith. I noticed something similar.

My discovery

In this discovery, all of the exes craved something that I couldn’t give them. Now the following is very offensive to devout Catholics, but I did have a non-sexual encounter with a then 21-year-old girl when I was 23-years-old. I noticed with her in particular that she wanted me to be her hero and save her from an impossible situation. She even made up a sexual encounter that never happened. She was showing a pattern to want to get married to people. Even striking a renewed platonic friendship with her was not healthy for me. I am not stereotyping LGBT Women. A lot of the men wanted my attention in more ways than one that I couldn’t give to them. A lot of the men were attracted to me and wanted the chance to be close to me without the commitment. I gave them that chance but felt guilty afterward. Yes, one of them was married. I continue to pray for him and his family.

That Time The Meaning Got Bashed Over My Head

When I went to confession after 15 years, I confessed that I had both premarital and unprotected sex. The priest asked me, “why?” I never actually got asked that question before. I couldn’t answer it. I would keep coming back to that same priest to the point where he recognizes my voice and knows me by name. He gave me such good advice that I got a reality check. He said, “You have to understand that these people aren’t doing this for love.” It struck it. Even my only relationship with the guy who sexually assaulted me, and the guy who I subsequently cheated with him with who abandoned me because he chose his girlfriend over me. Each “lover” was there to teach me ultimately that I was not loved. I know that I don’t want a lover, I want a gentleman will treat me with respect.


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