Hero Vs. Enabling

I am moved into my mom’s house and have a week to put my room together, which we agreed on because a futon is in the living room and has to be moved to make room for my bed. Just a short update before I go into my topic today. Being a hero vs. enabling people. In the past year, I lived in Philadelphia, and I notice people were looking for me to get them out of situations like homelessness and coming out of the closet. Here is my stance on the LGBT community, it’s not my business to judge them. Even though my religion is against them, it is one of the few things I don’t agree. I am a very pro-separation of church and state which is why there is no way that the country can be against them. Yes, there are instances on a state level where officials went against the Supreme Court ruling even other laws that are said to protect them. I am a Catholic to better my life not to judge others. Which brings me to hero-vs enabling.

How I Nearly Had a Criminal Record

I am going to admit right now that I knowingly brought drug dealers in a place where I lived. My reason behind this was logical; they can make rent every month but let’s back up for a minute. There is a transwoman who I now saw was very disturbed, and it had nothing to do with her transitioning from a male to a female. She is brutally scared. Brutally scarred to the point that she doesn’t admit responsibility. I appreciate her as a friend, but then an incident happened where she and her friends let a robber into the house. There may be an instance where the house was a target to the police because there wouldn’t have been a standoff pretty much of my former roommates invoking their 4th amendment rights while all I freaking wanted to do was have them talk to me. They claim abuse which I am starting to believe is a lie to protect somebody. I also think that she and them never really cared for me and was jealous of the fact that I have the ability to do more (or was too high even to care). They brought me down emotionally to the point where when I moved out they wanted nothing to do with me. So in that instance, I was enabling them but God realized what I did was wrong and found a way out of it. If she is reading this, call bullshit all you want but I bet that house is not clean.


The Liar?

A while ago before I was employed at a department store, the manager and I had a very brief intimate relationship. What I got out of it was we spent a good hour in his car just talking. Then as quickly as most “relationships” these days it ended like that night. Years passed, and as I was going to clock out, I noticed that was a for manager overnight. I wanted to become his friend again, but he said he was gay. Which is fine as I previously stated but there are some holes in the story, I contacted him outside of work on Facebook and every time I reach him, he is in a drunken stupor, and it’s a Thursday. It makes me upset that he feels the need to drink to talk to me but here is where things don’t line up. The following is graphic, and I am putting a trigger warning. He came out to me saying he had a gangbang, which I since found out he made up because he thought I wanted to be involved with him again. Which I told him, he could have just said I am not interested. I also question if he is gay. There are instances where he would say things that don’t add up which includes him wanting me to oust him. He thinks of being gay as a stereotype and not a real life changing event that a lot of people aren’t as accepting. I take being gay the same as being heterosexual. If he were gay, he would have been a little comfortable about coming out to people he cares and not rely on me to make up a situation that I have no way of being around to oust him as gay. Trigger Warning: He mentioned to me that as a kid he was molested, and he claims that’s the reason for his behavior. He is better than me and overcame his sexual abuse; he worked at the popular department store for years longer than my six months there. I tend to take every second of breathing and surviving in this world as a little miracle. I don’t think he needs my help to lie about a sexual encounter that I never saw. Whatever sexuality he identifies as doesn’t matter, I think he should get help for it. However, coercing me into revealing false information that he is gay (as far as I am concerned) so he will leave me alone is not going to do it. I friends told me he is like this all the time and to “just ignore it and block him.” So I have proof that he made multiple accounts and will probably get drunk another Thursday and do the same thing. I can’t keep blocking somebody who knows that I am helpful when he knows I am helpful. I want to help him, but he is resistant to my help unless it’s on his terms.


Honesty is the Best Policy

I am adhering to keeping an honest image on my blog even if it’s brutally honest. I was sexually abused in my 20’s by an ex-boyfriend. He also stalked me. Another boyfriend blew up my phone and my yahoo messenger (this was back when it was apparently still relevant) if I didn’t respond to him. I did cheat on him as a way to get out of the relationship, but that guy has since left town and stupid me, I went back. The ex who blew up my phone is now following me on Twitter; I think he is obsessed with me. The last time I talked to him was 2015 after I found out he was cheating on his current girlfriend with me. What does that have to do with anything? I got over it with therapy and living my life and not being a constant victim of life. Not a lot of people report sexual abuse for fear of victim blaming. If I dressed like this, this wouldn’t have happened, or I could have left the relationship. Not that simple. Like I said, I seriously think my ex-boyfriend is obsessed with me because after over a year (unless his account got hacked) he just up and follows me on Twitter. Just thinking about the relationship scares me out of having another relationship since I fear the same thing. However, I know somebody out there is willing to accept me without harming me. I keep praying for the people present in this post. I chose not to include names to protect their identity. To answer what I posted here: I think I can be a hero to people but that can quickly turn into enabling if I am not careful.


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