Once upon a time, I was on a website called OKCupid. At the time, I called myself a “fallen Catholic.” Though the term was most likely made up by me, I considered myself agnostic. I also was found to be bisexual on the website because I was a rebellious 23-year-old and didn’t think a girl was going to show any interest in me on the site. I mean, come on, when you are a Catholic in any shape of form, the lesbians in my experience run away from me. They think you are going to take all their rights away from them. Except one. Her name was Samantha. There was something off about her, but as I am a single 30-year-old, I was a single 23-year-old, so I needed attention. I craved attention. I desired somebody saying that I mattered, and they wanted to be with me. Hell, legalization of same-sex marriage was not in effect in the state of Pennsylvania at the time we could plant the seeds to get us to that victorious walk down the aisle. Samantha was, I admit and I will ask God to forgive me for it, incredibly cute and somebody I wanted to spend the rest of my life.
A Few Miles
Samantha, unlike most people on OKCupid, was very adamant about meeting me despite us having one conversation over OKCupid messenger. Red flag number one, as I stated before I wanted the relationship to grow and mature. But on my end, I was happy that anyone was not soliciting me for more photos than was added on the website was considering me an option. I welcomed the chance to meet her. Even my mom saw a potential red flag when I was going to see her. “Be careful,” her stern overprotected voice commanded. “Girls are harmless; it’s not like men,” I said erroneously believing that’s why bisexuals ultimately choose women over men.
I was on the bus to her place. I was on one end of the county, and she was on the other end. At the time of this story, I had to pay an extra 50 cents with my pass just to see her because of a weird zone fair that is no longer in use anymore. I was committed. We were on the phone talking to each other, and it was adorable. She was adorable. I could have fallen in love with her the minute I came off the bus. But something was holding me back.
When I got off the bus, she was waiting, we embraced and went back to her apartment. She, like me, was living with her parents. However, they weren’t home. Her sister was, and her sister had the look of “not another one Samantha!” Save this important quote for later. We were immediately intimate. Touching, kissing, her looking longingly into my eyes like “Angel, you are the only one for me.” Which brings me to red flag number 2, we both moved too fast on intimacy. It was apparent when I was lusting after her as she had me in her bedroom and we were about to make out. I describe this as lesbian erotica, so I will spare the details until I can use my creative writing skills for profit.
Her sister came in, and it was it for me. We watched Pretty Little Liars and when it was time for me to go she took me to the bus stop, and we made out until the bus came. However, this was not meant to be.As quick as it started, it ended. No, seriously, she said she didn’t want to see me the very next day. She didn’t give a reason.
She did friend me on Facebook and within the week she was engaged. Then within six months she was engaged at least three times with rings and everything. The horrible thing was her friends supported it when there was evidence that she didn’t get married. I finally was a good friend and told her she was young and needed to explore the world before getting tied down. She immediately took me off her friend’s list.
A Thousand Miles
About two years before, I decided to get back into Catholicism; I went on a personal journey as to why I am single. Samantha was one of the first people on my list. She was the first lesbian experience after all. When I went to contact her on Facebook, she moved to Texas and blamed me for it. She made up that I wasn’t there for her to save her from moving down South with her mom. Also, she made up that my ex-boyfriend abused me physically and that I left her for him when she was the one who decided to end things with me. I stood by the truth and that she was overreacting to a fling that happened for one day.
We did become friends, but she was still actively pursuing me as a lover despite being in a relationship . We spent hours on the phone. She wanted me to come down to Texas and be with her. She even said her relationship was a sham because she really loved me.
So like all unstable friendships, it ended. With her calling me the N-word and a fat bitch because I wouldn’t call her after she called me several times when she allegedly was hospitalized.
My reason, my best friend and I were watching a movie. I don’t like to answer the phone when she is there because we barely hang out. I can understand why she was mad at me because she wanted me. She thought that I was longing for her but really it was me wanting answers to why I was single. I at least got it from her. Aside from the obvious Catholic being against same sex marriage/relationships, if you want to look at the relationship as a whole, it was unhealthy.
I don’t put all of the blame on her. I really liked her, she is a loving woman who deserves the best, but I should have put my foot down that any possibility of me being with her was not going to happen now that she moved. I have no desire to move to Texas for medical reasons and I can imagine our relationship being volatile and we would have lived unhappily ever after.
Don’t Count the Miles, Count the I Love You’s.
I do wish that Samantha gets all the help she needs. I am not sure what religion she was, but I do offer these words to her because, in case you didn’t get the gist of the post, she has dated and being engaged to a lot of people:
Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love.
Also with that, if she is reading this, which I doubt she is, I am going to end it with this since pretty much I am learning this myself as well:
I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you also should love one another.